Okay, it’s time for a theme week with a calendar as the theme our ongoing series of giving our editors stacks of counterfeit money and telling them that they buy a car of some sort. This week, to celebrate Canada Day on July 1st, we decided to …
Wait, my American colleagues have told me that Americans prefer to read about American things, so we’re going to do the Fourth of July instead. It’s probably more interesting that way.
The task before us is simple: build the new car that we all find most American. In terms of character? Who will buy it? Where will the parts come from? I’ll leave that up to them.
These are the rules:
- This week there is no price ceiling because of the glory of the free market economy.
- The car has to be new, because new cars are better and the unions that make them are the backbone of America.
- By new “car” is meant generically. SUVs and trucks are also included as there are only five cars left.
- You have to make a choice while listening to John Phillip Sousa.
Tesla Model S Checkered
Deputy Editor Byron Hurd: Go back in time 20 years in your mind. Adders ran wild, the Corvette Z06 was fresh and the Cadillac CTS-V was still essentially a secret. American performance cars were capable but primitive — and we loved them for it. Now we have Dodge selling badge-designed Alfa Romeos and Chevy selling world-famous mid-engined sports cars. We’ve come a long way in two decades, but as much as I love my personal CT4-V Blackwing and its bigger, even noisier sibling were clearly designed to compete with And- non-American rivals. Blackwing as a concept was intended to compete Unpleasant Europe.
But Tesla? Say what you will about the company, but their products have more DGAF (“Don’t give a ****” for the somehow still uninitiated) energy than anything else on the road. Tesla doesn’t care how the European or Asian manufacturers do it; Tesla doesn’t even care how the rest of America does it. There is a Tesla way, and the Model S Plaid is really moving in that direction very fast. Do you have an opinion on EVs? Good for you. Feel free to share your thoughts when you can catch up again.
Ford F-150 King Ranch
Senior Editor Jeremy Korzeniewski: This one seemed obvious to me. Yes, SUVs and crosses are making great strides, but pickup trucks are still doing well with the top three best-selling brands and several more in the top 25. The Ford F-Series is the best-seller of them all, and nothing says America like a cowboy-themed pickup. I went with red for obvious reasons, and the two-tone scheme above looks good to me. From there, I just picked options that I thought the average American would want. It’s powered by a 5.0-liter V8 — Americana at its finest — and has all-wheel drive. I went with the largest cab and short bed, because while that’s definitely not what I personally would want, it’s what I see most often on American roads. Fully equipped, it’ll set you back about $70,000. That’s a lot, but here we are. This is, to me, the most American new car.
Dodge Challenger SRT Hellcat Redeye Widebody Jailbreak
Test drive editor Zac Palmer: Somebody had to do it, right? It doesn’t matter that the Challenger is built in Canada, because the Hellcat bleeds red, white, and blue more than any new vehicle. Dodge stayed true to the muscle car ethos throughout the Challenger’s run, something neither the Ford Mustang nor the Chevrolet Camaro can claim. And yes, that may be bad for things like handling and track performance, but who cares? Like the average American tourist vacationing in Europe, you’ll always hear the Hellcat go by and the volume will definitely be turned up a few notches too high for comfort. There’s no quiet mode; the seats are comparable to what you’d find on sale at your nearest La-Z-Boy, and you can chug a tank of gas in just 11 minutes at full throttle. Did I just hear a sea eagle screeching in the distance?
Naturally, I configured mine in B5 Blue with red stripes, red brake calipers, and red badging. I selected the “Demonic Red” leather option and also chose the red seat belts and steering wheel with the glowing red SRT badge in the center. The chrome gas cap was the finishing touch, because you can’t call a car American if there isn’t a little flashy chrome showing through. All told, I’m looking at $103,819, and I’m making sure I finance that over the course of 108 months. Rah! Rah!
Dodge Durango SRT Hellcat Premium
Editor-in-Chief Greg Rasa: This is such an obvious choice, how did Zac miss it? Here’s everything he said above — but in an SUV, so it’s much more American. Starting at $104,000. Excess on excess.
Uh. That’s one view of America anyway. Here’s another…
Chevy Bolt EUV
Try again: I’d rather live in an America that recognizes its problems and uses its industrial might to solve them. GM tackled this first with the Volt, the Bolt, and then the great little EUV bolt — starting at under $28,000 before tax credits, it’s a car I’d happily own. This generation of electric vehicles is about to make way for the next, hopefully better, iteration. And while GM and the other automakers are bolstering their green efforts by continuing to sell profitable carbon-spewing SUVs and pickup trucks, they’re in transition. An entire industry is reinventing itself. And what could be more American than that?
Lucid Air Grand Touring Performance
Editor-in-Chief James Riswick: I kind of agree with Rasa. I refuse to accept the idea that the most American car is an old-fashioned vehicle like a muscle coupe or a full-size pickup truck with an equally old-fashioned V8 engine, just because they’re popular with people who decorate them with American flags. Those cars and trucks are reminiscent of a bygone era… except that America in those bygone eras wasn’t about looking back. It was about progress, it was about leading the world in design and technology. I choose to see America as That country, the country that put people on the moon in less than a decade. So I chose something that perfectly spirit of the America that created the American cars of those glory days in the first place, and that proves that spirit still exists: the Clear sky Grand Touring performance.
Built in America? Yes. Designed and engineered in America? Yes. Bold, progressive exterior design? Yes. State-of-the-art, world-standard engineering? Yes. Interior design that’s literally inspired by American architecture (from those glory days of the mid-century, no less) and various locations in California, which is in America? Uh, yeah. Massive amounts of power? It makes 1,050 horsepower, so suck that Hellcat. Big proportions? American cars aren’t small, and neither is the Lucid. Able to traverse the wide-open spaces of America? The Performance has a range of 446 miles, but if I went for the 819-horsepower non-Performance model and 19-inch wheels, I could get 516.
America should be about the promise of the future. I think the Lucid Air represents that more than anything else.
Cadillac Celestiq
Editor-in-Chief John Beltz Snyder: Much of what James says about the Lucid Air applies to the Cadillac Celestiq. But Cadillac has something Lucid doesn’t: history. Cadillac was once a representative of the American Dream, a brand people aspired to, back when people universally believed in merit-based wealth. It seems that somewhere along the way, everything took a turn for the worse. The dream faded, wealth became more culturally tied to fame and therefore unattainable, the tasteless became the tastemakers, and Cadillac was no longer the symbol it once was. But then came cars like the CTS-Vthe Blackwings and now the Lyriq, and while they’re not huge status symbols, I have more respect for the taste and opinion of whoever I think owns them.
I think the Celestiq in particular brings back a sense of awe to the person who chooses to own one instead of a neon Lamborghini or murdered Bentley. With a six-figure price tag, it’s a status symbol, sure, but a interesting one that harks back to a time when Cadillac was a symbol of aspiration while embodying both American innovation and craftsmanship. It doesn’t scream “sex tape famous” or some fictional yee-haw showmanship nonsense. I’m actually curious to know who some of the first Celestiq customers will be, whether I know their names yet or admire what they’ve done to deserve their success. Even if it’s someone I don’t like, I’ll at least have to give them some credit for their taste, just as I have to give Cadillac some credit for making a car I might someday want to buy.
Chevrolet Corvette E-Ray
News Editor Joel Stocksdale: I absolutely love the C8 Corvette. It does everything well. The handling and performance are remarkable, but it’s also a joy to cruise and commute. It feels like a supercar inside, but one that feels attainable and easy to maintain. It also means you can throw it around with less fear than a traditional supercar. And now there are even more great versions, the Z06 and the E-Ray.
The Z06 seems like the obvious choice, especially for someone who loves sports cars like me. But I have a few reasons to go for it. the E-Ray. And the first is the engine. Yeah, it’s just the regular old pushrod, cross-plane crank V8 like the Stingray. But the thing is, I love that classic rumble. The Z06 scream is really cool, but that smooth rumble probably won’t last much longer. Plus, that rippling exhaust feels like the most American thing ever, reminiscent of the original small-block-powered Vettes.
And then there’s the hybrid nature of it. I love the idea of combining such an iconic V8 with high-tech electronics to make it faster and more efficient. All-wheel drive is also cool and would make it a great all-season car for Michigan, with more grip and rust-free bodywork.
So America’s sports car is my choice. More specifically, the top-spec 3LZ with the ZER performance package and Rapid Blue over Two-Tone Blue interior. Man, I wish that were real.